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the vampires love part 1
As I was walking through central park at night, with the full moon high in the sky.
I came across a waif of a girl shivering on a bench trying to warm her cold body.
I decided to walk over to her, as I made my way towards her she noticed me fearfull of what I might do. When I finally reached her, I picked her up like you would do when giving a piggy back but in front of me. The poor girl struggled to escape; I held her tight and softly said "shhh, its alright I am not going to hurt."
the girl stopped struggling and looked up with big tearful eyes.
I said "It's alright you can fall asleep" I wraped her in my cloak,
the girl laid her head on my breasts and smiled before falling asleep.
I carried her home with me.
a few hour after I reached the gate of a large manor, the plaque by the gate read "the silvia residence." just then the girl woke up I told her "we're at my home your welcome to stay as long as you want." I smiled at her.
the girl who had'nt said a word just smiled as well.
I opened the gate and walked through closing it, as I passed through it.
I walked up the gravel driveway to the house, I opened the large door
"irasshaimase ojou sama" all the maids had lined up to great us, at this the little girl in my arms flinched, "its alright, they're just greeting me." The Head maid came up to me she had long brown hair and a gentle demeaner. She said "who's this little one?"
I replied "I don't thinks she has one, Riri" Riri looked quizzical "hmm, lets find you a room and find you a name okay"I held the girl out for Riri to hold her, but the girl held her hands out at me.
"It looks likes she wants to stay with you" stated Riri
I held her once again "okay you can stay with me, while we find you a room
Riri suddenly announced "how about the room next to yours"
the girl nodded shyly.
to be continued
As I was walking through central park at night, with the full moon high in the sky.
I came across a waif of a girl shivering on a bench trying to warm her cold body.
I decided to walk over to her, as I made my way towards her she noticed me fearfull of what I might do. When I finally reached her, I picked her up like you would do when giving a piggy back but in front of me. The poor girl struggled to escape; I held her tight and softly said "shhh, its alright I am not going to hurt."
the girl stopped struggling and looked up with big tearful eyes.
I said "It's alright you can fall asleep" I wraped her in my cloak,
the girl laid her head on my breasts and smiled before falling asleep.
I carried her home with me.
a few hour after I reached the gate of a large manor, the plaque by the gate read "the silvia residence." just then the girl woke up I told her "we're at my home your welcome to stay as long as you want." I smiled at her.
the girl who had'nt said a word just smiled as well.
I opened the gate and walked through closing it, as I passed through it.
I walked up the gravel driveway to the house, I opened the large door
"irasshaimase ojou sama" all the maids had lined up to great us, at this the little girl in my arms flinched, "its alright, they're just greeting me." The Head maid came up to me she had long brown hair and a gentle demeaner. She said "who's this little one?"
I replied "I don't thinks she has one, Riri" Riri looked quizzical "hmm, lets find you a room and find you a name okay"I held the girl out for Riri to hold her, but the girl held her hands out at me.
"It looks likes she wants to stay with you" stated Riri
I held her once again "okay you can stay with me, while we find you a room
Riri suddenly announced "how about the room next to yours"
the girl nodded shyly.
to be continued
a story about a girl named silvia and a girl who is as of yet unnamed any ideas welcome
© 2007 - 2024 Lunadreaming
Comments10
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Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation. You're forgetting punctuation again my friend. You must never forget to put into practice that little you've learned in high school.
Case in point:
YOUR'S
-The poor girl struggled to escape, I held her tight and softly said "shhh, its alright I am not going to hurt"-
CORRECT
The poor girl struggled to escape; I held her tight and softly said, "Shhh, its alright I am not going to hurt you."
For starters, let's just say that when you start off with a narrative and want to transition into a dialog, you need to use a comma to separate the two different parts of the sentence; dialog and narrative.
Hmm... you also forgot to make the first letter in the dialog uppercase. That's very important.
Hmm... the story itself is pretty interesting. Keep up with this sort of story.
Go through this, fix up that particular problem and you're all set and ready to go. Talk to your Comp 1 Professor about good grammar. You'll definitely benefit from the experience.
Case in point:
YOUR'S
-The poor girl struggled to escape, I held her tight and softly said "shhh, its alright I am not going to hurt"-
CORRECT
The poor girl struggled to escape; I held her tight and softly said, "Shhh, its alright I am not going to hurt you."
For starters, let's just say that when you start off with a narrative and want to transition into a dialog, you need to use a comma to separate the two different parts of the sentence; dialog and narrative.
Hmm... you also forgot to make the first letter in the dialog uppercase. That's very important.
Hmm... the story itself is pretty interesting. Keep up with this sort of story.
Go through this, fix up that particular problem and you're all set and ready to go. Talk to your Comp 1 Professor about good grammar. You'll definitely benefit from the experience.